Nick's Boosts

Take them with you.

Reading time:  90 seconds

Date: December 15th, 2009

Hi everyone

It’s staggering how many people attend business parties at this time of year and forget to take their business cards.   I attended a launch for a book on leadership last week. Eighteen people asked me for my card. When I asked for their card in return seventeen shrugged and made excuses and went off to borrow scraps of paper from the waiter to write down their own information. Only one managed to find a card. 

Treat It with Respect

We can learn a lot from Japanese business card rituals. The first thing that Japanese business men and women do is exchange cards, and the key to what follows can be summed up in one word: respect. Accept the card as if it were a gift—which it is. Hold it with both hands and take a moment to study what’s written on it. If you can, respond to the card with an interested comment or an observation about something on the card—the person’s title, credentials, location. What you have to understand is that a business card isn't just someone’s name on a piece of paper; it’s their corporate identity. Treat it with the respect the person deserves.

I've attended more corporate functions and more business conferences than I can remember. And over and over again, I see men and women taking someone’s business card (when they remember to bring them), flipping it over with barely a glance at what it says, and begin taking notes on the back. Never write on someone’s business card in front of them. If you feel you absolutely have to note something from your conversation and you don't have a pad, ask them if they mind. It’s good manners, and they'll appreciate the gesture. 

When all this ceremony is done, put the card away in a top pocket, your purse, or your wallet—somewhere that shows respect. Never put the card in your back pocket, where it will get sat on. Apart from taking them with you, if you need a reminder of the top five things to do to be smarter socially click here. 

Opposites Attract?

Reading time: less than 60 seconds
Date: November 27th, 2009 Hi everyone

All our lives we've heard that opposites attract. But do they really? The short answer is, “Occasionally.” Sometimes we may find ourselves attracted to someone who seems nothing like us—they may be far younger or older, more free-spirited or responsible—but chances are it won't be long before one or both of us decides to jump ship, leaving the other to row in circles again. 

Often these relationships take place at a time of transition in our lives, a time when, for whatever reason, we may want to break out of our old patterns. For a while we may find delight in the contrast. Responsible types may get a thrill by edging up against the wild side, while dyed-in-the-wool bohemians may feel comforted by the straight and narrow. As the relationship develops, though, we often begin to see our mate’s differences as flaws that need fixing, and try to mold them into who we think they should be—which is usually someone more like us. That’s it.

Engineering Introductions

Reading time: less than 90 seconds

 
If a stranger across a crowded room catches your fancy, ask your host or a mutual
friend or acquaintance to introduce you. But don't leave things to chance. Instead,
prepare your own ten-second commercial ahead of time by telling your introducer
what to say—your name, perhaps where you’re from, and what you do for a living, or
something else memorable about you, all put in an interesting way. It'll come off a lot
better than “Heather, this is Jim. He got soaked coming here, didn't you, Jim?”

It’s also important to follow that old rule: Two’s company, three’s a crowd. Politely ask

your host to introduce you, say one or two interesting things about you, and then
leave. “Heather, this is Jim. He lives in Seattle and he makes films.” You want the
third party out of the way so the conversation doesn't become two people talking and
one listening—a bad dynamic for making a connection, no matter who ends up doing
the talking.

If you really want to impress, ask your host to tell you two or three interesting things

about the person you want to meet before he introduces you. Then, when you do
connect, you can say, “Bob told me that you spent last month in a Buddhist retreat.
What was it like? What inspired you to go?” This strategy puts you on a more
personal footing faster.

Flirting your way to the top!

Ever wonder why some people get promoted even though they don't deserve it? Success doesn't just depend on how well you do your job, it depends on how people feel about you. And plenty of people know how to flirt their way to the top. I'm not talking about sexual flirting – that is disrespectful and only leads to trouble. I'm talking about playful harmless "public flirting", the sort that lifts another person’s spirit - and makes you visible.

We can break flirting down into three main types: public, social, and private. Public flirting is usually a spontaneous, amusing, and harmless way to brighten someone’s day. Social flirting adds a sexual element to the mix, signalling interest. Private flirting is one-on-one, radiates sex appeal, and enhances physical attraction.

We all flirt in one way or another from time to time. There are many situations where you probably don't even realize you’re flirting. You banter with the woman at the pharmacy or joke with the man at the dry cleaner. The guy at the deli counter smiles and addresses you by name every time he sees you. You coo and gaa and make big eyes at a cute baby. These are the kinds of interactions humans are designed to enjoy and respond to. Public flirtation is innocent, makes us feel good (it is, after all, a form of flattery), and keeps us in touch with other people: but don't overdo it or you'll turn into a clown.

Flirting Is Fun

Some people are born to flirt, others have natural flirting skills that seem to come and go depending on the circumstance, and some of us just have no clue and need to be taught—but we all have the potential. Flirting is really a question of attitude—you don't have to be intense about it.

Every day you come in contact with people left, right, and center, whether you’re at a bar, on the bus, or at a pottery class. Try a little public flirting. Make eye contact, smile, and say something light-hearted about the occasion, the location, the weather or pass on a sincere compliment. Show your playful side just for a moment. Learn to flirt with style, respect and subtlety and you'll make yourself irresistible, visible and good to be around.

How to succeed without trying.

Reading time: less than 90 seconds
Date: October 1st, 2009

Try this: place a pen in the extended palm of one hand. Now, with your other hand try to pick it up. If you picked it up, put it back down and try again. I said “Try to pick it up,” I didn’t say “Pick it up.” If you actually hovered over the pen with trembling fingers and failed to pick it up, bravo, you already know that when it comes to motivating yourself the word "try" actually means “try in vain.” There is all the difference in the world between, "Try to pick up the pen," and "Pick up the pen." One is an instruction to fail, the other to succeed.

When you tell yourself I’m going to try to get a date, or I’ll try to give up smoking, what you’re actually saying is, “I’ll give it a shot - but don't count on it." When you say I’m going to try to lose 20 pounds, or I’ll try to build a bookcase, what you’re telling yourself is, "Hey, maybe I will, maybe I won't. Whatever!" At work, when your boss says we’re going to try to beat last year’s numbers, what she just told you is, "What can I say? Succeed? Fail? Who knows!" If the Captain of your flight comes on the PA and says, "Hello passengers we’re going to try to get you to your destination on time today," what he just said is, “Don’t count on it but hey, cross your fingers folks you never know." The next time you hear the word "try" coming from your lips pay attention. Either change it to "do," or simply drop what you’re trying and move on to something more worthwhile.

I know this seems like a tiny, picky distinction but the quality of your self talk is paramount as a motivator, not just to your conscious mind but to your unconscious mind.

There's no such thing as shy.

I wrote my first book (and changed careers) because I'd met so many people with amazing potential, but limited people skills. In the beginning I called my program "the rose and the rubber band." The rubber band was a metaphor for the lack of basic people skills. Certain people could never blossom until someone took off the rubber band. That was my mission.

Let me tell you the story of Linda (not her real name), a young woman from Seattle . Linda’s mother contacted me several years ago asking for help. Despite the fact Linda was an attractive, healthy, bright twenty-two year old she had difficulty approaching people and striking up conversations. The problem? Mainly due to her parents ambitions for their daughter and their obsessions with raising perfect children, had ballooned from something relatively small to a full blown catastrophe – in their eyes.

I was contacted as a last resort. Money was no object for these wealthy, successful parents. Poor Linda had been trotted out before specialists, psychiatrists, model agencies, acting coaches, quacks – you name it .

“She’s shy,” her mother would tell the world. I flew to Seattle to consult with them. We met in a hotel: Linda, her mother, her father and me.

“My daughter is shy,” were the first words out her mother’s mouth. Her father raised his eyebrows apologetically and nodded in agreement. Linda was also listening!

I explained I didn’t believe there was such a thing as “shy.” “No-one was born shy,” I told them, “it’s not a human attribute.” I told Linda she was more likely born ‘reserved’ or ‘cautious’ and that these are excellent attributes. I want my doctor, my airline pilot and my bank manager to be reserved or cautious.

“How do you think people know they are shy?” I asked Linda’s parents. After a long silence the mother answered tentatively. “I guess because someone told them.”

I thanked the parents and ushered them out of the room. I know they were well-meaning people dedicated to their children. It’s just that Linda didn’t fit the outgoing sociable vision they had for their daughter, so they set about hiring people to fix her.

After about half an hour of talking with Linda I pointed across the room and asked her, “Can you describe that sofa over there.” For a few moments she stared at the sofa then said. “It looks comfortable.” I waited about thirty seconds for her to go on then asked what else she could say about it. Her breathing shifted high in her chest and her whole physiology changed to panic mode. Without looking at me she said sadly, “I need a little help.”

I asked her what color it was. She said it was green. I asked what else. She said she didn’t know.  I asked how many cushions and she told me five. I asked what else. That’s when Linda looked at the floor and said, “I think I’ve had enough.”

Linda’s problem was that she didn’t know how to put the things she experienced through her five senses into words. I told her how my brother used to have trouble describing things until I told him how to do it. Now you can’t stop him. We spent the next hour chatting and learning how to describe things. Lynda relaxed and opened up. She had a long way to go but the rubber band was off the rose. Now she could blossom.

Three days later at a signing for my book How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less. I had noticed a young man of about thirty-five in the front row with a girl of about 11. They stayed behind at the end and came over to talk with me.

“Will your book help me with my shyness he asked?”

I pointed to a table piled high with books a few feet away and asked him to describe it. He was obviously uncomfortable. “It looks pretty crowded.” I asked him what else and he said, “ Nothing really. Just lots of books.”

I put the same question to the young girl standing next to him. “It’s about three feet high, brown, made of wood, and that sign’s going to fall over any time now.”

Both Linda and the young man at the book store were not only cautious and reserved by nature, they were also intensely kinaesthetic. Kinaesthetic people tend to take in the world through the way things feel. Linda described the sofa as comfortable, the young man thought the table was crowded. The problem is that if you can’t put what you see, hear, touch, smell and taste into words, it’s almost impossible to make small talk or hold a casual conversation. If you can’t make small talk some people, frequently well-meaning, may pass you off as shy. And before you know it you are “doing shy.” No curiosity, no eye contact, no feedback, closed body language: all adding up to feelings of inadequacy and social isolation.

Who knows how many roses with rubber bands there are out there. All we can do is recognize them for their attributes and think of them as cautious, reserved and full of potential, rather than telling them they are shy.

Try this. Describe the room or bus or plane you are in right now to yourself in five different ways. First how it looks. Then how it sounds. How it feels and the physical arrangement. Then how it smells and finally, how it might taste!

Humbility – The "Killer" Combo

Ever wonder what's the best way to open people up and make them feel good? Try a little "Humbility" in your conversations. Humbility is simply a big ego cloaked in a slightly bigger humility. You can use Humbility to cement the foundations of relationships for friendship, business and love.

 

In my travels around the world talking to corporations I get to spend time with many top performers as part of the briefing process. Almost without fail these superstars are loaded with “Humbility.” Their focused ego makes them competitive. while their genuine humility makes them approachable and confide-able. By ego, I don't mean a sense of superiority but a super-awareness of their identity, ambitions and "abilities." We all have an ego - it comes bundled with our natural-born Superpowers . 

 

In Singapore I chatted happily with a modest, polite young woman in her early thirties. She outsold her closest rival in a global Assurance company by five hundred percent. In New Orleans I spoke with an easy-going, friendly man in his mid-forties. He was the number one sales person for one of the biggest real estate companies in the world. These two were shining examples of Humbility.

 

You don't have to look far to find Humbility in the headlines. Nelson Mandela, Oprah Winfrey and Warren Buffett all have enormous egos but accompany them with a slightly larger humility (most of the time). The feisty Nelson Mandela admitted on Oprah that it was his humility that got him through his terrible years in prison on Robben Island.

 

Here's a little story that demonstrates Humbility.

 

Benjamin Disraeli became a Member of the Parliament of Great Britain at thirty-three, and its prime minister at sixty-four. Disraeli's main political rival was William Gladstone, a four-time Liberal prime minister who was renowned for his abilities as a speaker.

 

One evening, Mr. Gladstone took a young woman out to dinner: the following evening the same woman had dinner with Mr. Disraeli. Asked later what impressions the two distinguished men had made upon her, she replied, “After dining with Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest person in England . But after dining with Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest person in England .”

 

Two eloquent, intelligent men: two completely different results. Judging by what we know of their reputations, Mr. Gladstone may have spent more time focusing the conversational spotlight on himself than on his guest while Mr. Disraeli did the exact opposite. Perhaps Mr. Gladstone spent more time talking than his guest, while Mr. Disraeli made sure the opposite occurred.  Mr. Disraeli used Humbility to connect and build a relationship at a level much deeper, and more memorable, than a simple social, or business contact.

 

You can do the same.

Float like a butterfly: sting like a bee?

How would you describe how you feel about your job?

Warren Buffett answered this question by saying "I tap-dance to work." Warren Buffett is a wiz at conjuring up simple mental images to get his ideas across. You can see, hear, and even feel what he means: and remember it too.

When asked to describe the financial collapse at the end of 2008 Buffett said, "Wall Street has become the world's biggest nudist beach. The tide has gone out and we can see which of the players have been swimming naked." Simple. Memorable.

On the day Bill Gates resigned his chairmanship of Microsoft he was asked why he didn't come up with the iPod idea. He replied, "It's kind of like surfing. There you are out in the ocean. Sometimes you're in the perfect spot for a great wave, sometime the other guy is." Makes sense! You can see it, hear it, feel it, smell it and even taste the salt-spray in your mind.

"Suppose my neighbour's home catches on fire," said Franklin Roosevelt in one of his "fireside" radio broadcasts to the American people," and I have a length of garden hose four or five hundred feet away. If he can take my garden hose and connect it up with his hydrant, I may help to put out his fire." President Roosevelt was using a "parallel experience" to convince the American people to support Churchill and the British. It worked and the US went on to supply shipping, food and weapons to the people of Great Britain and help win World War 2.

These are all examples of "i-kola." i-kola stands for 'is kind of like a..' An i-kola is a device to help you think up a simple image to lodge your idea in the hearts and minds of other people. Simply replace your abstract idea or concept with a "thing." Not a wishy-washy abstract thing like "a person" or "a leader" or "happiness" but a solid picture: a pit-bull, a steam-roller, a Rubik's cube. Want some inspiration? Listen to Dylan (like a rolling stone), Jagger (I'm a king bee), Paul Simon (a bridge over troubled water) or your  favourite band. Virtually every song written is full of i-kolas. And what about the greatest of them all?  In 1964 Muhammad Ali (then Cassius Clay) turned the boxing world on its ear when he called Sonny Liston  "a big ugly bear" and declared he would "float like a butterfly and sting like a bee."

Any high-school teacher will tell you these figures of speech are similes and metaphors. Any successful leader will tell you they are the most powerful tool we have at our disposal to explain, motivate, spread the word, problem solve, sell, teach, brain-storm, convince and get a grip on personalities and relationships. i-kola images do away with complex clutter and are easier to remember than facts and figures.

i-kolas are the simplest of the three Talking in Color techniques. They should take between five and thirty seconds to deliver. Practise using one or two i-kolas everyday until they become second nature. Then you might just find yourself floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee as you tap-dance your way to work.

Bet you can't guess the #1 success factor?

Professor Thomas Harrell at the Stanford Business School spent 20 years examining Stanford MBAs looking for the success factor. He concluded the only identifiable predictor of success is something he called "social extroversion" - the ability to speak up.

Could success be tied to something so simple? Something anyone can do whenever they want? Think about the people you consider successful. Do they speak up? Think about yourself. Do you speak up? Often enough?

Successful people know that opportunity never knocks. They know opportunities are everywhere but you have to go out and find them. They're not going to knock on your door, jump out through your computer screen or spring from your cell phone. They are everywhere - and they come in the shape of people.

Just in case you were wondering, this is what juicy opportunities look like:

• Look in your mirror. That's one third of the opportunity equation right there grinning back at you.
• Look at your calendar. Today, right now, that's another third.
• Look out your window or around the office. See all those people? That's the secret ingredient! That's the other third happening all around you as far as the eye can see - and beyond. All you have to do is get out there and speak-up.

You have all the resources inside you to handle or create any opportunity. The internal building blocks successful people use to create their opportunities are the same building blocks you have inside you. Success and struggle are only a matter of how you stack and use them. We can all think, ask for help, change our habits and motivate ourselves - once we make up our minds to roll up our sleeves, get out and speak up.

Make today your day to speak up. Look in the mirror, look at your calendar, open the door, step outside and speak up.

The power of because.

Telling people the reason why you are doing something has a major influence on how they react to you because, more often than not, people willingly comply with requests when given reasons why they should. Ellen Langer, a social psychologist at Harvard University, demonstrated that people respond automatically and without thinking when given the proper stimulus.

Here’s how it went: In a busy library, one of her subjects would approach the person at the front of the line for the photocopier and say, “Excuse me, I have five pages. May Iuse the Xerox machine because I am in a rush?” This request was successful 94 percent of the time. Later, when the subject returned to ask another group of people lined up at the same machine and said, “Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine?” her success rate dropped to 60 percent. No big surprise here. What was a big surprise was that when the subject approached the front of the line a little later and asked, “Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine because I have to make these copies?” the compliance rate whizzed back up to 93 percent!

Automatic response is based on reason, or at least the appearance of reason. People need to have reasons to make decisions and justify their actions even when the reason is not really a reason, but only looks like a reason. For most people it’s powerful enough to set in motion a patterned response, in this case a “yes” response, even in the absence of concrete information.

When you want to connect quickly, offer your contact a “because” and chances are you’ll be successful. For example, if you’re aiming to do business with company Q, and you meet a key contact there, instead of simply saying, “I’m delighted to meet you,” add “because I’ve read so much about your pioneering work with XYZ . . .”