Nicholas Boothman's Boosts

Free Information

Reading time: less than 90 seconds

Date: February 26th, 2010

Hi everyone

It’s easy to get free information from a stranger. This doesn't mean trying to learn someone’s credit card number. What it means is learning the other person’s name, interests, personal situation and more. Most people are more than eager to give away this information if it’s requested in the proper way. In fact, people will tend to follow your lead in offering information. That’s why you say your name first. And the more you give, the more they will, too.

If you say, “Hi, I'm Carlos,” you’re likely to get “Hi, I'm Paul.” If you start with “Hi, I'm Carlos García,” you'll probably get “Hi, I'm Paul Tanaka.” And if you start with “Hi, I'm Carlos García, I'm a friend of Gail’s,” Paul will probably respond in a similar way:“Hi, I'm Paul Tanaka, and I work with Gail’s husband.”

When you add information tags to your name, people tend to respond to them because you've offered them the opportunity. If they don't respond, you've at least set up the situation. They know what you want, so give them a little encouragement. A raised eyebrow or a straight-out “And you?” will spur them on.

The idea is to respectfully gather as much information as possible by first offering information about yourself. You can use this information to broaden and deepen your rapport. This is something to get your teeth into. You are building momentum.

That’s it.

Until next time, stay well and count your blessings

Great ways to stay single forever.

Reading time: less than 90 seconds

Date: February 25th, 2010

Hi everyone

 

Over the years many of you have sent me your pet turn-offs. Over the next few months, from time to time, I'll share some of them with you. If you'd like to add to the list please send them to  nick@nicholasboothman.com.

1. Wear badly fitting clothes
2. Change the subject abruptly in the middle of a conversation
3. Brush your teeth once a week
4. Throw yourself at people
5. Be high maintenance and make lots of unreasonable demands
6. Sit with your legs wide open in social situations
7. Flirt with the waitress instead of your date
8. Give mixed signals, like smiling when you are angry
9. Constantly pull your pants up
10. Snort when you laugh
11. Bite your nails so your fingers tell people you are a stressed-out, nervous wreck
12. Use a coupon on your first date
13. Let hair grow where it shouldn't
14. Avoid making eye contact when you meet someone for the first time so they feel uncomfortable with you
15. Act bored and be sarcastic
16. Gossip a lot
17. Dress as if you were 20 years younger than you really are
18. Keep a vicious animal as a pet
19. Eat with your mouth open and if possible make lots of noise
20. Act like you know it all
    

That’s it.

  Until next time, stay well and count your blessings

Small Talk - the WD40 of interpersonal communication

Reading time: less than 3 minutes

Magda spent 2 months getting the HR department heads of 28 specialty care clinics to come together to agree on a new set of protocols. After several face to face meetings with each one Magda’s boss called her into his office and said, “I have some good news and some bad news. They've agreed to get together. But they don't want to work with you.”

Magda was shattered and confused. She came to me for help. I soon learned this wasn't the first time something like this had happened to her. Magda was a bright, presentable, no-nonsense woman. At first her tales made no sense. Then something struck me.“How do you feel about small talk,” I asked her.

“Don't do it. Can't stand it.” She replied.

I suggested that made her rather like a brand new Jaguar car that had come straight off the production line but they'd forgotten to paint. Perfect in every way - but uncomfortable to be around.

“Small talk,” I told her, “is kind of like the WD40 of interpersonal communication. It just makes things go more smoothly.”

Small talk is just casual chitchat about nothing in particular. Ask questions about what he or she likes to do in their spare time. Where are you from/going? Family? Fun?  Current affairs: the weather, the news, sports will do in a pinch. Or your community or a new restaurant nearby. You can natter about pop culture: ask about music, movies TV shows. Talk about movies you've just seen or music you've just heard. Or Martin Scorsese, or So you think you can dance, or Dog Whispering. Or mention a new band or the latest best-selling book. You could remark on a piece of clothing or accessory. An easy and natural comment about the occasion or location followed by an open question works wonders. You don't need to agonize over sparkling opening lines just say something then add a tag question (isn't it? don't they? doesn't it?) You can compliment (only if you mean it) something they’re wearing or an accessory. Ask where it came from.

You are a genius until you open your mouth

Keep it light, and stay way from avoid anything deep or sexual. Pick-up on pointers and free information. Expand on what you already know about each other. Talk about who you know and look for common ground. Show you are genuinely interested. And listen.

Remember to be charming rather than alarming. That means eye contact and a smile (don’t overdo it or you'll scare them), open body language and synchronizing. And make sure the other person does at least half of the talking. Remember to shut up and listen. Listen with your eyes and your ears.

ET or the girl next door?

Reading time: less than 45 seconds

Date: February 1st, 2010

Peter Backus, a teaching fellow of economics at the University of Warwick , published his Why I Don't Have A Girlfriend theses after spending three years without a partner.

 

The math wiz used the Drake Equation, a formula used by scientists to calculate the potential number of extraterrestrials in our galaxy. He found his chances of finding true love were 1 in 285,000.

 

After researching almost 2,500 people for my book How to Make Someone Fall in Love with You in 90 Minutes or Less we calculated you have a one in sixteen chance of finding your Matched Opposite (the person who will complete you) when you know what to look for. I demonstrate that finding true love is a numbers game and show how to naturally and easily get out, get involved, and find your Matched Opposite.

Your Matched Opposites are everywhere.

Turns out Peter Backus was wrong. Shortly after releasing his results he met Rose, his Matched Opposite. Rose met his age requirement and, like him, lives on a boat and has a university degree.

 

When asked what he'd learned from the exercise he summed up. "It’s a numbers game. She was just around the corner all the time. I just had to get out there."

Valentine's Day is just around the corner too.
Until next time, stay well and assume the best

Connecting in the Phone Zone

Reading time: less than 2 minutes
Date: January 8th, 2010

When you’re on the phone, you may have a great connection, but you have to be sure that you’re making a great connection. There’s no body language for you to read. Your only clues to what your conversational partner is thinking or feeling are his words and tone of voice.

Remember that when you’re feeling anxious, the tension can come through in your voice and make the other person feel the same way. If you care about the person on the other end of the phone, adjust your attitude before you make the call.

Let’s listen in to a phone call between Dennis and Bill, from different departments in the same corporation. They barely know each other, but this phone call could change all that.

“Listen, Bill, this is Dennis Evans from advanced applications.” Dennis’s voice sounds tight and his words come racing out of the receiver.

“Right. Got it.” Bill speaks deliberately, hoping Dennis will pick up on the cue.

“I don’t know why I’m doing this—everyone else is on vacation and that’s where I should be, too. Anyway, we came up with this idea for monetizing our site by selling ring tones, and we’ve found the guy who can do it for us, and all we need is for you guys in the legal department to get the agreement with him done. I have to give Christine in sales some assurances that this thing is going to happen so she can present to the president, so we need it tomorrow.” Dennis hasn’t breathed yet, much less slowed down. If anything, he sounds like he’s winding up a little tighter.

“Are you kidding? You’re just telling me about this now? Do you have any idea how much we’ve got to get out before Christmas? This will need due diligence and . . .” Bill knows he shouldn’t respond in kind, but he can’t help having some of his frustration come out in his voice.

“I’m so tired of excuses,” Dennis bellows. “We’re under pressure to get things done, and all I hear is reasons why they can’t be. You can’t do this but you can do that crappy deal with the Dutch that leaves us with huge liabilities. You can rush to do something lousy but you take your time to do something good.” Dennis doesn’t wait for an answer. He slams the phone down as soon as the last word comes out of his mouth.

Bill, one ear aching, wishes that he’d never picked up the phone.

Sound familiar? It didn’t have to be that way. If Dennis had taken a few deep breaths before picking up the receiver, he might have chosen a more fruitful approach. Because Bill could not see Dennis, Bill’s imagination was available for stimulation. This is the time for metaphor and sensory-rich language. Here’s how this phone call could have gone:

“Hi, Bill, this is Dennis Evans, upstairs. It’s time for the dreamers and the doers to get together.”

“What’s up?”

“Just a little Christmas present for Christine Burgin, who heads up sales.”

“Oh yes?”

“And I just need your help to wrap it up.”

“Shoot.”

In the first example, Dennis lost sight of what he wanted; he was more interested in venting than communicating. In the second, he juiced up the conversation with metaphors: dreamers instead of advanced applications, doers instead of the contracts department, Christmas present instead of agreement. Smooth, pleasant, and effective: It's not good to waste other people’s time on the phone but, by the same token, it's not good to rush things either. Now there’s a chance that the job may get finished.

Make it story-worthy

Reading time: 60 seconds
Date: December 21st, 2009

Just look over your shoulder at the past. What do you see? Not a world of atoms and molecules but a world of stories. From ten thousand years ago to today. Just stories! Stories of history, revelations, revolutions and conquests. Stories of discovery, from mountain ranges to medicine, politics, power and religion. Advertisers polish their stories, marketers spread them, lawyers bend them and religions exalt them. Stories are to the human heart what food is to the body. Where would Christmas and Hanukkah be without stories?
 
Most important though, we fall in love with, and by, them. When we tell happy exciting stories of our relationships we are creating “romance.” We don't fall in love with other people; we fall in love with the feelings we get when we are with them: the spiritual and emotional awakening, the lowering of inhibitions, the joy of feeling safe and warm and full of hope, the feeling of completeness—the thrill. Not just one-on-one love, but family, friends, community and patriot love. We turn those emotions into words and carry them around as stories. As the stories are told, emotions unfold and our hearts are filled.

Take them with you.

Reading time:  90 seconds

Date: December 15th, 2009

Hi everyone

It’s staggering how many people attend business parties at this time of year and forget to take their business cards.   I attended a launch for a book on leadership last week. Eighteen people asked me for my card. When I asked for their card in return seventeen shrugged and made excuses and went off to borrow scraps of paper from the waiter to write down their own information. Only one managed to find a card. 

Treat It with Respect

We can learn a lot from Japanese business card rituals. The first thing that Japanese business men and women do is exchange cards, and the key to what follows can be summed up in one word: respect. Accept the card as if it were a gift—which it is. Hold it with both hands and take a moment to study what’s written on it. If you can, respond to the card with an interested comment or an observation about something on the card—the person’s title, credentials, location. What you have to understand is that a business card isn't just someone’s name on a piece of paper; it’s their corporate identity. Treat it with the respect the person deserves.

I've attended more corporate functions and more business conferences than I can remember. And over and over again, I see men and women taking someone’s business card (when they remember to bring them), flipping it over with barely a glance at what it says, and begin taking notes on the back. Never write on someone’s business card in front of them. If you feel you absolutely have to note something from your conversation and you don't have a pad, ask them if they mind. It’s good manners, and they'll appreciate the gesture. 

When all this ceremony is done, put the card away in a top pocket, your purse, or your wallet—somewhere that shows respect. Never put the card in your back pocket, where it will get sat on. Apart from taking them with you, if you need a reminder of the top five things to do to be smarter socially click here. 

Opposites Attract?

Reading time: less than 60 seconds
Date: November 27th, 2009 Hi everyone

All our lives we've heard that opposites attract. But do they really? The short answer is, “Occasionally.” Sometimes we may find ourselves attracted to someone who seems nothing like us—they may be far younger or older, more free-spirited or responsible—but chances are it won't be long before one or both of us decides to jump ship, leaving the other to row in circles again. 

Often these relationships take place at a time of transition in our lives, a time when, for whatever reason, we may want to break out of our old patterns. For a while we may find delight in the contrast. Responsible types may get a thrill by edging up against the wild side, while dyed-in-the-wool bohemians may feel comforted by the straight and narrow. As the relationship develops, though, we often begin to see our mate’s differences as flaws that need fixing, and try to mold them into who we think they should be—which is usually someone more like us. That’s it.

Engineering Introductions

Reading time: less than 90 seconds

 
If a stranger across a crowded room catches your fancy, ask your host or a mutual
friend or acquaintance to introduce you. But don't leave things to chance. Instead,
prepare your own ten-second commercial ahead of time by telling your introducer
what to say—your name, perhaps where you’re from, and what you do for a living, or
something else memorable about you, all put in an interesting way. It'll come off a lot
better than “Heather, this is Jim. He got soaked coming here, didn't you, Jim?”

It’s also important to follow that old rule: Two’s company, three’s a crowd. Politely ask

your host to introduce you, say one or two interesting things about you, and then
leave. “Heather, this is Jim. He lives in Seattle and he makes films.” You want the
third party out of the way so the conversation doesn't become two people talking and
one listening—a bad dynamic for making a connection, no matter who ends up doing
the talking.

If you really want to impress, ask your host to tell you two or three interesting things

about the person you want to meet before he introduces you. Then, when you do
connect, you can say, “Bob told me that you spent last month in a Buddhist retreat.
What was it like? What inspired you to go?” This strategy puts you on a more
personal footing faster.

Flirting your way to the top!

Ever wonder why some people get promoted even though they don't deserve it? Success doesn't just depend on how well you do your job, it depends on how people feel about you. And plenty of people know how to flirt their way to the top. I'm not talking about sexual flirting – that is disrespectful and only leads to trouble. I'm talking about playful harmless "public flirting", the sort that lifts another person’s spirit - and makes you visible.

We can break flirting down into three main types: public, social, and private. Public flirting is usually a spontaneous, amusing, and harmless way to brighten someone’s day. Social flirting adds a sexual element to the mix, signalling interest. Private flirting is one-on-one, radiates sex appeal, and enhances physical attraction.

We all flirt in one way or another from time to time. There are many situations where you probably don't even realize you’re flirting. You banter with the woman at the pharmacy or joke with the man at the dry cleaner. The guy at the deli counter smiles and addresses you by name every time he sees you. You coo and gaa and make big eyes at a cute baby. These are the kinds of interactions humans are designed to enjoy and respond to. Public flirtation is innocent, makes us feel good (it is, after all, a form of flattery), and keeps us in touch with other people: but don't overdo it or you'll turn into a clown.

Flirting Is Fun

Some people are born to flirt, others have natural flirting skills that seem to come and go depending on the circumstance, and some of us just have no clue and need to be taught—but we all have the potential. Flirting is really a question of attitude—you don't have to be intense about it.

Every day you come in contact with people left, right, and center, whether you’re at a bar, on the bus, or at a pottery class. Try a little public flirting. Make eye contact, smile, and say something light-hearted about the occasion, the location, the weather or pass on a sincere compliment. Show your playful side just for a moment. Learn to flirt with style, respect and subtlety and you'll make yourself irresistible, visible and good to be around.